Wellbeing

10 characteristics of resilient families

By Anne Way Email this article

Children learn resilience in their families, with school life adding to this learning.Psychologist Andrew Fuller describes resilience as “the happy knack of bungy jumping through life”. It is the quality that enables us to rise above adversity and keep going. It can be the difference between children learning and moving on from problems and mistakes or becoming disheartened and stuck.

Andrew identifies 10 characteristics of resilient families.

1. Spontaneity and curiosity. Parents model that life is worth living and success worth striving for. They teach children a positive sense of themselves through their enjoyment of life.

2. People are loved for their difference. Families recognise skills and personal differences as unique and complementary.

3. It is clear who is in charge. Families tend not to work well as democracies, yet they do work best as “benevolent dictatorships”. It is important that children know that their parents are in charge and that their job is to parent not befriend.

4. Ensure diversity of friendships. Children thrive with a diversity of friendships. Encourage mixing with different people in and out of school.

5. Involve other adults. Broaden children’s support base by fostering relationships with adult relatives and family friends in whom they can trust and confide.

6. Consistency. Set consistently high expectations and establish core values about how to live and relate. Set clear and consistent expectations and follow through consequences.

7. Maintain rituals. Take time out to celebrate family milestones and special events.

8. Teach the skills of self esteem. Built by more than praise and encouragement, ask children how they achieve what they do. Explaining in their own words enables them to identify and value their own strengths.

9. Know how to argue. The average parent makes 250 daily requests of their child, who in turn complies with two thirds of the requests. Don’t believe what a child says to you in the heat of an argument and remember the average child has more energy to argue than an average adult.

10. Be reliably unpredictable. Be prepared to do the unexpected, to “go with the flow”. Do things that are spontaneous and fun and encourage children not to take problems too seriously. That’s life!

Anne Way
Director of Wellbeing | College Psychologist R-12